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Come back to what you know...
I think I should be somewhere else - but I can't think where it is....
I've been thinking this for about 3 years now. Soon it will be too late to get there and then what the hell am I going to do? I think its in America actually...
There's a split movie screen right now - as in a cheesy Meg Ryan comedy and some guy, (some funny, clever guy) is typing away at his computer thinking the same thing as me...
But, what if I don't feel like going out that one time he's going to be in the bar I favour?
What if I am out but too drunk to hold a conversation with him?
What if I'm with someone else - someone who isn't very important to me (and there are many...)?
What if I have pissed fate off one too many times?
What if I used all of my happiness chances years ago and that's it - doomed to die alone and have my face eaten by cats?
But then if he did appear next too me right now (apart from the fact it would scare the hell out of me as I am in my fathers appartment and thus his chosen profession would have to be burgler, stalker or cleaning person) what would I have to offer? Apart from nice shoes and a chilled bottle of wine?
I think I need to be more than myself. I think that I need to go to my dreams alone because I need to be stronger. Hopefully the guy in the split screen will be on the plane - because that's the way my movie should end - anything else wouldn't be magic...
... and surely I haven't pissed fate off that much?
Problem
I can't stop eating. This has never happened to me before. I am tall and thin and curvy in the right places and although I tend to eat out a lot, but when it comes to home food I eat lowish fat type stuff and I am quite healthy.
After the nightmare of reality TV I decided to have a week where I ate everything I had ever liked and to hell with the scales.
I ate: boxes of choclate, McDonalds, pizza's, family bags of crisps. I ate real butter on my bread and had pudding all. the. time. I ate trifles and had seconds of sunday roasts. I ate large chocolate puddings and a whole thing of choclate hobnobs. I even ate pot noodles and strawberry milkshakes.
Now - I have a very serious deep scar on my tummy and as soon as I start to put on weight it really hurts because the scar tissue starts to stretch (this is a great diet tool - but not one I recommend). My scar hurts - it really hurts right now. I must stop eating.
I don't have a bad relationship with food normally, but this is silly - all I can think is what I am going to eat next. I even had a Big Mac for lunch - eugh. With fries - eugh.
I was going to go to the cinema tonight (alone), but I am not sure I can make it past the popcorn and malteesers.
I have to stop eating - I might pop.
I've spent
a lot of time with me lately. Something I normally avoid as far as possible. You know what though? I am actually rather good company. I make funny jokes and buy cool food for a night in. I do drink too much but in a kind of decadent cool way and I never talk in the good bits of films.
I have my bad points too - things that I do that really annoy me. For example I never make tea as often as I want to drink it - and I have an addiction to Trisha in the the morning which is frankly disturbing and I do not look sexy in my current pink pj's - in fact I look like a marshmallow.
I rather enjoy raiding my wardrobe though - never seen so many shoes - can't imagine where they all came from?
So, weighing up the pro's and con's I have decided that tonight there is only one person worth dragging to my best friends boyfriends birthday 'do' (love that word) tonight. Rather than some pathetic attempt not to look single, I am going to take, well - me.
I am sure that me and myself will have a fab time and hopefully manage to get a taxi home together, because god knows the chaos that might happen if we get seperated again.
D xx
Well...
I had a great time with myself last night...
Huge pause...
Not like that (get your heads out of the gutter). I mean I had a great time at the party... I didn't care that Mr Big - my sort of ex - was snogging some fat girl with frizzy hair (in fact I laughed). I didn't care when my best friends brothers girlfriend (god I wish I could just use names on this blog) tried to set me up with anyone and everyone ('LETS DO I LAP OF THE ROOM DARLING AND SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND FOR YOU). I, in fact, had a great night.
I flirted with boys and told terrible stories. I drank gin and smoked cigarettes. I had drinks bought for me by stange men. I fell in love with a straight makeup artist, who forgot to tell me that he had a girlfriend, and at the end of the night I popped outside with Isobel (my best friend) - because she wanted a cigarette and had pretended to give up.
She told me that I was so beautiful and that the reason men never tell me that they have girlfriends is because when they are talking to me - they like to pretend they haven't.
And I thought - isn't it ironic... the girl who has everything, makes a big entrance, is the life and soul, is desired - exits in a haze of tiffanys and cigarettes... back to her big old bed, soft toy dog (Colin) and a bucket of makeup remover.
... and wakes up laughing!
Here comes the bride
Don't panic - not me!! Not again!
Have just been for a wedding dress fitting with my best friend L and her mother. It was so beautiful in the shop - filled with brides and perals and shiny things and diamonds. I had a lovely time telling L how amazing she looked (and she really did!). L and S are the Posh and Becks of my world... since the collapse of Jude and Sadie and Tom and Nicole I sometimes think that they are all I have to cling to in this mad mad world.
But watching L I felt no envy at all. No little voice saying 'it should be me - it should be me' which was frankly reassuring because I worry sometimes if about, you know - the cats eating my face thing - but I'm glad that my inner self knows I am not really ready for all of that.
Talking of inner selves - what does yours look like? Since seeing the blue fluffy one on the yogurt advert my whole family have gotten obsessed with ours. Mine is bright pink and fluffy, my sisters is rather small with huge eyes, my mothers looks like her cat and my fathers is a nasty blue goblin (his choice).
D x x
Dear London,
You've been so distant lately - why is that? I'm not expecting the same excitement as when we first met and moved in together, I was only 18 then and I thought that you were so grown up and exciting - and that you made me exciting. I knew that couldn't last forever and I didn't want it to.
Remember though, when we would go to that National Theatre together, or go exploring on Primrose Hill in mittens on Bonfire night? Remember the games that we used to play trying to blag our way into A list clubs - drinking champagne and laughing all night? Or those cosy nights we would spend in the local, drinking sometimes silently and in peace.
What happened London? When did it go wrong? When did we start to get bitter? When did you stop making an effort? Actually that's not fair I think that maybe I stopped...
Do you remember sweetheart when you used to meet me off the plane or the train and I wuld run to you with open arms? All the way home I would have been plotting things that we could do and people we could meet. All the way home I would be so proud that you and I belonged together because you were the greatest thing on earth - and I've been some places! I would feel butterflies waiting for the first glimpse of you out of the window.
Of course lover, there were things I didn't see at the time. I didn't see the way that you came between me and my family and made it hard for us to meet up, I didn't see that you encouraged me to over-indulge in sex, drugs and rock n roll. How could I see that when I was so in love? Were you in love too?
I do still love you London, but we need to do more than party and play now, we need to start to think how we can grow old together, I just have this horrible feeling that there is a whole new batch of bright eyed teenagers you would rather be playing with - and that it time, at last, for this once passionate love affair to end.
Love always
Daisy x x