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Penny for the Guy - Guv'nor
So today we Brits are celebrating the most successful PR campaign ever invented.
In truth, Max Clifford has nothing on the inventors of bonfire night....
Every year we blow up fireworks and burn images of poor old Guy Faulkes while eating treacle toffee and hot dogs wearing mittens and writing out names with sparklers. But why do we remember this failed plot to blow up the King and parliament? We don't celebrate any similar events. Why make such a song and dance about this?
The fact is that we now have historical proof that the Protestants always knew about the Catholic plot to blow up the protestant king and replace him with a Catholic Monarch. The powers that were allowed the plot to continue watching carefully and thus appearing to catch Guy and his friends right at the last minute to ensure maximum scandal.
The Protestants in power wanted to make sure that the Catholic stronghold over the country was destroyed for good. They feared invasion from France and Spain and needed to make sure that they had the peoples full backing for the King (and head of the church). Henry VIII had changed the countries religion in fact but the monarchy now needed full support for the King rather than the Pope.
As soon as the plot was 'discovered' the protestants started a PR campaign to make sure the people of England never forgot the Catholic treachery and to make sure that the peoples loyalty would remain with the Church of England for all time.
Remember remember the 5th of November - gun powder treason and plot
I see no reason why gun powder treason should ever be forgot.
Quick - call the therapist and then stop the world I want to get off.
I’ve got a great idea.
What’s that then?
Remember when you were a teenager? When you were small and mousey haired and nobosdy ever asked you out?
Why as it happens - yes – yes I do.
Remember how you were rubbish at sport and loved public speaking – you Big Fat Geek?
Why yes of course I do.
How did that feel?
How did it feel? It felt horrible. I was lucky to have a few really good friends. But at the end of the day I was a misunderstood misfit who was deperate to be liked and admired but just had too many passions for learning and too many A’s… plus there was the distinctly posh accent to contend with….
They hated you at school did they?
Some people did – they called me a snob and a swot…
So you changed yourself then?
Yes. I transformed myself from the age of 16. I am as shallow and as polished as I could ever have hoped when I was younger. I have the best shoes, the blondest hair and men stare at me as I saunter down the street. It takes huge effort though. I am always tettering on the edge of plump and mousey rather than curvey and blonde.
So this confident, pretty girl with the Rock and Roll lifestyle is a bit of a facade then?
A bit?? Are you joking?
Then I’ve got a great idea. Lets put you on National TV with no access to makeup and have a man reject you in front of the whole country. That’s bound to set you back what 10 years?
15 probably….
How are you feeling?
14, plump and very very sick.
Frankly y'all
....the morons who work at Souper Douper and keep putting the wrong size lid on my soup (there are only 3 sizes for christsake) deserve to be slowly tortured and then shot or worse put on reality TV.
Things on my desk...
Large pile of mail (all for other people - am thus playing postman v successfully - as we are on strike).
Annoying free pink mobile phone holder in the shape of a deck chair
Large pile of misc files filled with mysterious paper belonging to someone else who knew how to file
Tube of Vaseline (lip therapy - dirty minded bastard!)
Large pile of urgent things other people need to sign - I may shread these soon as they are messy
A little fat fairy from isobel
My to do list (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
My computer - obviously
Things to take staples out of things (what are they called??)
A pen pot FILLED with pens as I am a cleptomaniac (hope that's the right word..) and a stationary junkie.
BANG BANG BANG
I went to see the fireworks in Clapham common last night with my friend.
We wrapped up warm got to the common early and ate hotdogs and toffee apples, then my friend decided that she wanted sparklers.
Sometimes London disapoints me hugely. When I was a kid almost every shop in my town sold fireworks but although we trawled Clapham we just couldn't find any place that sold them. We went back sadly to the common (moaning at this point - what on earth is the point of fireworks night without sparklers and a bonfire with a guy?). As we rounded the corner a little old man with a shopping trolley slunk out of the shadows.
'Wanna buy some sparklers ladies?' He said in his best cockney and I swear I saw the artful dodger behind him.
'Oh yes sir, I think you will find that we absolutely do!' I said shaking his fingerless mittened hand with glee.
Sparklers purchased we hurried back to the common where we witnessed a fantastic display with two boys who we had swapped a couple of sparklers (and the bite of a toffee apple - mine) for a lighter. We oohhhhed and aahhhed ad clapped our mittened hands.
The air smelled like the 5th November and London put up on a damn fine show! I was damn proud (although one of the boys we had picked up was muttering something about his council tax going up in smoke).
Even though it took me a million hours to get home, my gloves are covered in toffee, my coat is covered in mustard and I think I might have a bit of sparkler in my eye - I had a fantastic time.
Bring on Christmas now - I'm ready for the fairy lights and mince pies.
D x x
Who?
I was scurrying to work this morning when somebody reached out a hand and grabbed me.
'Hi Daisy - how are you?'
Nothing went through my head as I looked at this guy - NOTHING... I didn't even sort of remember him - not a clue!. He was good looking, looked about my age was wearing a suit.
'Hi' I said 'fancy seeing you here'
'Well, its not that odd really'
'No I suppose not'
We proceeded to have quite a long conversation while I desperately searched my brain for any clue at all that I had ever known this person. Eventually and predictably I slipped up.
'So, where are you working now?' I asked conversationally.
In my old company predictably. Where he had always worked for this was indeed my Former-Office-Crush.
I tried to save the situation - but it was so obvious that I had only just realised who he was that we parted quickly after empty promises to email.
Oh how fickle we can be...