Archives
MMmmm....
I woke up this morning completely in love with my bed.
It's a white cotton, kingsize, goosedown dream... and it smells of tiffanys.
It's almost making up for being home after New York and I had a good time Carrie and co would have been green about (more about that later).
I must fly though as it's my first night-school class tonight darlings, and I haven't read the course book yet (why do some things never change!!?) although I did a fairly good speed read of the first two chapters on JFK airport at 11pm.
Wish me luck!
Before I gossip about New Year... HELP!!
Just checked my emails and have been invited on 'the Salon'.
Now I know I said no more TV... but I'm bored after 30 minutes at my desk and I do actually need a hair cut.... plus this time there won't be any scary fake millionaires and nasty Ibiza Villa's...
What do we think??
We think I'm stupid even to think about it after the reality TV trauma right??
... and that's a wrap!
In September I am going to start a full time PGCE. It's official! Wooo Whoooo!
This means that I have exactly 9 months left to be an irresponsible youth in London (which is lucky timing as I think I start really pushing the 'youth' thing soon!!).
Does this mean that I am going to continue my trend of running away with bands, f*cking up on reality TV, marrying in Las Vegas (did you see how that Spears girl copied me - well, did you??), having two night stands, sitting in Times Square in my pyjama's early New Years morning and drinking far too much champagne?? Then moaning on my blog like a deranged Sweetie Crack Whore Junkie??
Well.... right now I am reading a text book on Elizabeth I, surfing the net for new cushions for my sofa (purple, red and dark yellow) and contemplating a salad for lunch as part of my detox.
Could it be that 2004 is finally the year of the grown up?
The Year of the Grown Up...
is not getting off to the best start actually...
Perhaps I was a tiny weeny bit optimistic about my new found maturity! Maybe it will take more than night school and a salad after all.
I've just agreed to go on 'the Salon'... He he he!
Oh god - is it possible to lose a stone in two weeks??? Dr Atkins - help!
Menace... you best start growing your nails if you are coming with me.
Drowning.
Many months ago I worte a piece on my blog about the things that scared me the most in my life at that time and I received some lovely comments. With time to reflect however, there is one thing that beyond all others that scares me now....
This fear I have, this knotted horrible fear which lives somewhere in my heart is the thing that makes me most who I am and the the thing that makes me hate myself more than you could imagine.
You see - simply, I fear being ordinary. I fear not being noticed and mostly I fear wasting the opportunities that I have been given, because on paper at least - I am lucky - really really lucky.
This ridiculous drive that I have and the fact that I can never stop - nor do I want to - that I always take things too far, is all related to this this this - black tar inside me that makes everything I do wrecked and sticky and useless.
If I have the loveliest boyfriend - I want someone who is even more lovely. If I have the best house/ shoes/ coat - I want more!! Some of you have pointed out that I seem self obsessed - of course I am, undeniably so.
I hurt people because I think I am strong and I think that if I wreck something I can replace it easily. But really, under the bullshit - I am not at all strong and I care more than I can let on.
I don't know where to go, because, reading back on myself - my blog bounces like my heart - I make a spoilt brittle comment on my blog and than can't deal with the fall out from it, I go on reality TV and can't watch the program, I get married and run away, I fall in love....
And then I do it all again.
I want to STOP because I am tired and I am lonely, but the walls I've built around me are very big and very strong and I'm not sure I can climb over them.
Perhaps I need a white knight to knock them all down for me and rescue me from my own stupid little self-built black tower...
But the worst thing is that somehow the tar seems to have scared all the knights away.
In the lift...
Bosses Boss: Daisy, lovely to see you - did you have a good New Year?
Daisy: Oh yes John, it was fantastic although I don't remember that much about it. Hoho. What about you, John? Good time?
His name is not John.
Not even close.
Shit.
Baby blue
I'm meeting my friend tomorrow afternoon for chocolate, pepsi and quite possibly (if the mood takes her) some ham.
My friend is the first person I have ever known to be intentionally pregnant.
I am daunted by this. I am daunted by the fact that rather than my friends who screw up their noses at the thought of kids and then light another cigarette, this girl has another person about to come into her (and her husbands) life and she can't wait.
I can't stop imagining the roles reversed and wondering how it must feel to be her at the moment. Terrifying and wonderful are the first words that leap into my head.
Terrifying mainly (for me) because I am so far removed from being even close to what she has.
I just can't believe that one day I will have kids, as being the youngest in my entire family I have never even HELD a baby.
Sod the nightmare teenage years - late 20's is a way more stressful adjustment period in a girls life!
I find myself sitting here (making my party plans for tonight) wondering - when will the Met Bar become Mothercare? When will Champagne become Ribena? When will a baby become the new black for me?
Until that time, I guess I'll just nip out for a marlboro light.
D x x