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Not famous but frightened
Have you ever had one of those sleepless nights, where you toss and turn and your brain spins round and round in circles...?
Everything becomes frightening and impossible. It's like you have a
fever, or you are on holiday somewhere very hot and you can't afford
air conditioning... You know?
The 2am mean reds.
Suddenly it becomes breathtakingly clear that you are never ever going
to meet the man of your dreams as you lie in bitter restlestness, that
you are going to fail in your career and you are going to die sad and
unfulfilled, with no children... probably in a nasty little house in
the middle of nowhere and have your face eaten by cats.
It's a moment when you need to reach out a hand and feel somebody warm
and real and caring next to you. Someone to grunt 'you're lovely, now
go back to sleep.' or even just to grunt. You need something warm and
solid to hang onto.
And yet, and yet - you grip on to the cold iron of the bedstead in the
grim knowledge that you are all alone. The cats come hissing towards
you.... 'I will probably die tomorrow' you think grimly... and on my
tombstone they will write:
Daisy Flower
Spinster
The cats got her in the end....
So you try to think about Christmas, and your uncles bar in Spain and
maybe dying yor hair the colour of that girl in Emerdale... you
consider calling one of those mental sounding tarot lines advertised in
Marie Claire... or maybe getting some warm milk.
For some reason at this point the bedsheets have wound themselves round
you and you are too hot to think anymore, even though its so cold
outside. But its not cosy, it's sufficating...
...and so you get up and do the only thing you can do... write your blog until sleep takes over once again.
Daisy's Midnight Runners
Oh the wonders of technology will never cease... for when I could not sleep
last night *looks down* suddenly a little box popped up to tell me that a
friend of mine was equally awake and also on his computer (sad git).
Of course, his reasons were much cooler than mine, for he had finished a
gig... and so was too wound up to sleep. His girlfriend had other ideas
however and so he took a cold and hyper-active comfort in sitting at his
computer.
So we exchanged stories about blue shoes and told each other off for being
sad enough to be on MSN at silly-o-clock... but the really lovely thing was
that he calmed me down... told me it was going to be OK - that I was going
to be a great teacher and started to unwind the springs that were in my
stomach...
...which only goes to show that even at 2am, when the world close's in on
you darkly and sleep is a distant friend, there is always someone out there,
solid and warm, that is willing to stroke your hair and send you back to
sleep.
Shame.
Oh my Laurieloo.
It's like the 2nd July 1916 around here.
History Geek.
You were and will always be the best L. See you in the real world.
Having more fun...
Now listen. Carefully.
My hair is currently thus:
But I'm thinking of going thus...
Yes. No. Maybe?
The D. Plan
In the last month I have lost 10 pounds...
...and the irony is that I have eaten like a small army of horses....
I guess it's amazing what running yourself to the ground after teenage
lads, carrying huge piles of books for miles and miles... living
in a village unable to drive and spending panic fuelled sleepless
nights does for a girl.
My jeans haven't been this loose since the turn of the century.
Still, I'd swap every single last ounce back for a little bit of breathing space.
The lost boys.
A 14 year old boy broke my heart today...
He shouted and he fought and he hurled abuse... and so I finally
managed to sit him down and tell him what a terrible mistake he was
making. That he was a good kid... and a clever kid. Smart and
thoughtful... that he shouldn't be on report... that he shouldn't be
failing because I had seen him working and thinking, I had seen little
glimmers of kindness when he thought that no-one was looking, and most
of all - when he fronted up to me - I saw fear in his eyes.
And he told me that he didn't care anyway. That he was sick of school and he hated it and he hated me...
'And anyway Miss,' he said 'it's just too late now.'
And certainly it is for me... because I am leaving my naughty. impossibly sweet, rougish boys in 4 days.
Luckily I know there are some fairly good sorts looking after my
renegades and so I can be certain that its not all over at the age of
14.
Oh, how I will miss them.
Right, enough reflection - I'm going to get drunk!!
Success
I just passed my teaching practice!!
He he he.
I so so so don't want to have to teach for the next couple of days. I
want to bask in my success with Trisha, champagne and some jellied
fruit...