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Ch ch ch....
On Monday, along with my lower 6th politics I had a tour of the houses of parliament.
I can't tell you how bizarre it felt getting the tube into central London, as I had done so many times in my former life as a corporate tiger. The hustle and the bustle... the complete lack of kids (woo hoo). Stepping out of the underground and seeing the Thames and the London eye... all just there - touching distance... and on a weekday!! It's been a long time.
I was early, so that I could check out the entrance and the rules and look highly responsible when my children arrived. For a while I blended easily into the London-ness of a Monday morning. I could do as I pleased... drink Starbucks coffee and watch the river go by.
But very quickly, I had to track down my charges, organise, reassure and care. I retraced my steps back past the Thames, but this time I had a crocodile of youth following me... and I was no longer alone... I was no longer Daisy, I couldn't pretend that I was heading for a grey old office to gossip and eat sushi. Something also changed in the way that people looked at me, or was it past me? Then one of the kids grabbed my arm.
'Hey, this is so exciting' she said.
And suddenly it was.
Fatty
Can you eat too many pieces of a chocolate orange?
Year 11. Period 2. History.
Miss: Alright boys at 11am, I expect a minute of real silence. Why is that?
Boy1: For poppy day Miss, To remember all of the men who died in the wars for us.
Miss: Excellent. Now the first and second world wars seem like a very
long time ago now, and so if you don't know anyone to think about then
I suggest that you spend the minute reflecting on what a wonderful life
you have and how that is all down to these men who gave everything for
you. You can make it a positive silence in this way.
Boy: Shall we stand up Miss?
Miss: Only if you want to.
11am
All of my boys as one stand bolt upright, with their hands behind their
backs and stare straight ahead. Not one giggle or shuffle is to be
heard as the whole school falls completely silent.
Boy1: What were you thinking about?
Boy2: My grandad - You?
Boy1: How lucky I am
Boy2: What about you Miss?
Me? Well if I was honest then I would have told them - that I was thinking about them.
Things that were nice today.
My kitten got into bed with me
My year 10s had a test and thus were silent (I am considering having a test EVERY SINGLE DAY!!)
The lights working in my living room because somebody I love very much had fixed them
My best friend is staying with me for the whole week and I anticipate food and drink binges
I thought I had to miss one of my few and valuable frees to take a cover lesson - but now I don't have to and so instead I am all cozy by my computer writing this
Things that were horrid today
I had to wait for 20 minutes in the freezing cold to take me from the girls school to the boys school and this meant I was late.
I still can't feel my toes
I have a pile of marking as tall as I am to do tonight
I still have a cold. The boy said I snored a bit. I hate not being a glam girl.
It's report time and I am struggling to remember who everyone is. Damn those quite kids who sit at the back, and yet god love them too. Agh!
Knackered.
I woke up this morning under the impression that my eyes had been sucked out of my face. Then, a little while later I threw up.
I can't remember my boyfriend leaving to go to work, although I have a vague memory of being tucked up and cuddled...
Migraines are not something that I am plagued with but very occasionally one will rear its hurty little head.
In a bit of a trance, I called in sick to school, and went back to
sleep. Since I awoke I have been on a two hour walk (to Primark - well,
one has to walk somewhere!) and eaten a McDonalds in my attempt to
clear my head. Neither fresh air or junk food are really cutting it to
be honest. Even a Caramel latte fell slightly short of aiding the
problem. I'm trying monster munch and ribena next.
The thing is that I have been really struggling at school recently.
Long hours, no help from anybody and a few difficult children have been
taking its toll and I can't help wondering if this is related? Perhaps
I'm not actually sick but just really stressed... in which case its no
wonder the walks and burgers aren't helping.
I passed a church with a big sign outside on my wanderings today. It
said 'Do you need help? Come and talk to someone today!'. I think I
probably do need to talk to someone, as I'm a bit of a bottler-uper
most of the time (although obviously not some religious cult type
person). The thing is though... I'm not really sure what to say.
Why oh
Why is it that when you return to work after a day of genuine sick leave you always feel like you have been skiving?
...and I have a cover lesson next - I think someone is redressing the karma!
Mean Reds
I don't know what has been worng with me over the past few days. Perhaps I am still ill, perhaps I am tired, perhaps I have eaten too much cheese...
The fact is that I have been in the navy of bluest moods. My boys can't raise a smile from me, I've been dreading school like crazy (I have this knot in my stomach all the time). And the worst bit is that there is really truely no reason. No kids have picked on me, the lessons aren't too hard... I know that I have a lovely job and that I am a very lucky girl... and yet.... Perhaps it's the responsibility for peoples lives rather than the starbucks run and the stationary order that is getting to me? I really don't know.
Then last night, my kitten was very very sick (everywhere) and he cried and cried and cried. He puffed himself up and sat in his childhood bed and then would run out and throw up again... then he would cry. And I felt like such a bad mother... my sisters cat died of being poisoned not very long ago (he ate a lily from her birthday bouquet) which just added to my total paranoia. I had guests staying, so I had to pretend that I was in control and that everything was OK (even when one of them stood in his sick).
When I got to bed I couldn't sleep, knowing how unhappy my baby was downstairs (Jesus - god forbid I ever have a real child - I'd never sleep again). I cried and cried because I felt like I had let the kitten down... after all, he is a baby and can only eat and drink what I give him - so it must be my fault that he was sick... if he died - then I would have killed him. And then I cried because I was on my own and my boy couldn't drive down and cuddle me because it was too late, and then I cried because I hate being dependant on a man - but I can't help it... it is just the way that I am programmed.
I cried myself to sleep.
In the morning the kitten seemed fine, he had washed himself and was clamoring for food (which he couldn't have - not yet any way). My boy called to say he would drive down early tonight and my first lesson, which is usually my hardest was really excellent. But still I am sad... I look in the mirror and there is something missing. I can't seem to focus who I am anymore...