Daisy

If you ever feel like wallowing in self-pity, I can heartily recommend spending some time in small town America. I had found myself in a town in New Mexico called Truth or Consequences, staying on the edge of the town in a hostel with not-so-famous Hot Springs and a small wild dog infestation. As I bathed in the springs with the mountains stretching and reaching around me and the footsteps of the ghosts of Cowboys in the distance – it suited my mood perfectly.

For the last 10 years I have felt most alone on the 29^th October anyway, alone and desolate. I am a very social person, but my birthday is the exception, it is the day that I feel even more deeply than usual that something is missing, which of course – it is. For years I had tried to celebrate it with style in order to forget something unforgettable, I hired a club in London for my 21^st and once took a romantic trip to Paris with my ex-boyfriend. The effort of having a good time under the watchful eye of people who knew too much had become increasingly difficult and so this year I had decided that it was time to stop pretending and to spend my birthday remembering. I wanted to come to terms with the loneliness that gripped me tightly for a second like the games at the fairground you would try to win soft toys from. Winning was impossible anyway and it all slipped away before you knew it.

As I watched the stars literally hanging in the dark desert sky I gave myself up to memories until the night sky blurred. Finally, I felt like a stiff drink and I wandered slowly down a dirt path into the main town. The one bar in this tiny place I remembered from walking to the library earlier that day. Now it was dark and the neon sign above it was glowing greenly and swinging slightly in the evening breeze – Joes Bar - I walked towards it. It was quite cold, although the day its self had been soft, yellow and warm. The new coldness added to the isolation I felt as I stopped in front of the bar wrapping my jacket tightly around me. The bar looked deserted and lonely – in short, the perfect place to celebrate my 29^th birthday.

I expected to find, as I pushed open the swinging doors (having watched too many American films no doubt) a gloomy room, with two pool tables and a number of dubious looking people with guns in their pockets. What I found instead to my amazement was a party – a birthday party in full swing. I found lots of people with shining eyes laughing and talking. ‘Happy birthday’ the banners said and the people sang, the lights were bright and the bar spotless. I stood in the doorway agog. Eventually as I stood there people started to notice me in the doorway and a girl walked over to me. Streamers and glitter fell around her like an 80’s prom movie. As she approached a couple of people nudged each other and pointed at me nodding slightly. I suppose that I must have looked quite strange and turned to leave. The girl stopped me and looked at me quizzically, she had blue eyes and a dimple.

‘Emma right?’ She said, I must have looked at her a little oddly as she said my name because she smiled,

‘You’re staying at the hostel, I recognise you – come in and get yourself a drink. It’s a party.’ She gestured towards the crowd of laughing, swaying dancing people who were all looking with interest at me but turned away as I looked at them.

‘I’m not sure’ I found my voice eventually ‘I don’t want to intrude, and besides I was planning on a really quiet night to be honest.’

‘I’m Kathy’ said the girl ‘and you’re getting a drink.’ She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the room. The people all turned to look again and smiled at us as Kathy pushed past them and introduced me to everybody we passed, which I can only assume (by the number of hands I shook) was the whole town.

Kathy left me at the bar as she said she wanted to dance again. As she left I found myself looking up across the bar into the darkest bluest eyes that I had ever seen. They crinkled slightly at the corners as I stared at them, and I drew myself back to look at the man they belonged to. Tall and thin with freckles and tanned skin, the man behind the bar had dark blonde hair and a blue T-shirt with ‘Missing Person’ written across it. He looked like summer. I ordered a drink unable to take my eyes from him as I felt magnetically drawn to him, he saluted slightly and opened my beer. As he pushed the bottle towards me I started to fumble in my bag.

‘No charge’ he said, although I could feel an electric one shooting straight up my back.

‘No charge?’ I repeated looking up at him in confusion

‘Not for the birthday girl anyway’ he said smiling

‘But I’m…’ I started in panic and surprise

‘It is your birthday?’ he asked looking suddenly confused

‘Well, yes, but’ I started truthfully as I pushed my hair off my face

‘So, no charge’ he smiled, I smiled back and sat down quickly on a barstool.

Looking back I should have been very confused, but at the time I didn’t really find it that odd, he had mistaken me for the girl whose party it was and I had got a free drink – not even by false pretences. It really was my birthday.

‘So, why you spending your birthday with strangers, if you don’t mind my asking ma’am?’ he asked wiping the bar next to me and lighting my cigarette with flourish.

‘Oh, I, erm, I’m travelling, I’m on my way somewhere – this is a stop over.’ I said flustered

‘A week long stop over?’ He raised an eyebrow

‘How did you know that?’ I asked shocked, to my surprise he laughed

‘You’re not used too small town gossip I see, where are you from anyway?’

‘London’ I replied a little proudly

‘Oh, is that in England?’ I coughed out my drink with shock and he started to laugh ‘I’m joking’ there was a pause as I played with my pink neon straw, mopped up my drink and glanced around at the party which was still in full swing. Kathy was dancing on a table as yet more glitter fell from the ceiling.

‘You should dance’ the bar man commented ‘just as soon as you actually tell me why you are on your own today of all days?’

Suddenly my mood swung backward so fast that it almost knocking me off my chair with its force. I felt so tired, tired of bottling things up and being brave, tired of bad birthdays and not much better normal days and I decided that I needed to tell this stranger why my birthday made me feel so bad.

‘My twin died 10 years ago’ I said quietly and then slightly louder ‘it’s not just my birthday you see it’s his too and its all that anyone remembers.’ I failed to mention that this included me.

I remember Simon so vividly I can still smell him, and feel him close to me. Time has done nothing to fade or change my memory of my darling boy, I can see his sandy fringe and his huge brown eyes, with the long eyelashes wasted on a boy. Delicate and beautiful I had protected him from the harsh world – we all had. I couldn’t protect him the day he crashed his motorbike though and we were told that he would never wake up and I couldn’t forgive myself for that. Nobody could.

For the first few years my mother had set a place at the family table on Sundays for him – on our birthday too. Now though we didn’t mention it or him. It just hurt too much, that was why I had come to this desolate place really, to spend my birthday with my brother. All day I had sat looking at the mountains and remembering to myself Simon running into my room filled with excitement, eyes aglow

‘Emma, Emma, its our birthday, how about a dance Emma’ Suddenly I felt someone tug my hand.

‘How about a dance Emma?’ He asked smiling down at me ‘It is your birthday after all.’ And I didn’t ask how he knew my name, I didn’t ask why the lights had dimmed, I didn’t even wonder that the music had changed to a soft lull. The bar man held me tightly as we swayed together in Joes Bar in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. As tears seeped out of my eyes onto his blue T-shirt somehow I knew that everything was going to be alright.