Drowning.
Many months ago I worte a piece on my blog about the things that scared me the most in my life at that time and I received some lovely comments. With time to reflect however, there is one thing that beyond all others that scares me now....
This fear I have, this knotted horrible fear which lives somewhere in my heart is the thing that makes me most who I am and the the thing that makes me hate myself more than you could imagine.
You see - simply, I fear being ordinary. I fear not being noticed and mostly I fear wasting the opportunities that I have been given, because on paper at least - I am lucky - really really lucky.
This ridiculous drive that I have and the fact that I can never stop - nor do I want to - that I always take things too far, is all related to this this this - black tar inside me that makes everything I do wrecked and sticky and useless.
If I have the loveliest boyfriend - I want someone who is even more lovely. If I have the best house/ shoes/ coat - I want more!! Some of you have pointed out that I seem self obsessed - of course I am, undeniably so.
I hurt people because I think I am strong and I think that if I wreck something I can replace it easily. But really, under the bullshit - I am not at all strong and I care more than I can let on.
I don't know where to go, because, reading back on myself - my blog bounces like my heart - I make a spoilt brittle comment on my blog and than can't deal with the fall out from it, I go on reality TV and can't watch the program, I get married and run away, I fall in love....
And then I do it all again.
I want to STOP because I am tired and I am lonely, but the walls I've built around me are very big and very strong and I'm not sure I can climb over them.
Perhaps I need a white knight to knock them all down for me and rescue me from my own stupid little self-built black tower...
But the worst thing is that somehow the tar seems to have scared all the knights away.
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(8.1.04 18:24) Why not get some counselling and see if it can help at all? Clearly you know what your problems are and perhaps you can be helped to deal with the issues behind them. |
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(8.1.04 18:45) I think that you just need to relax about it all, look at all the good things that you have, and just relax and enjoy them, be confident that in time, if you work hard enough towards them you will get the other things that you have set your heart at, wether that's a nice new coat or a nice new knight.... I think it's cool that you don't want to be ordinary, if everyone want to be ordinary, or was satisfied with being ordinary then the world would be a really boring and mundane place, your desire to keep doing new things is cool. -Pete |
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(8.1.04 18:55) Honey, I hate to say it - but you're always looking to the outside for the help. It has to come from within, like an addiction, admitting it is the first step. No one can help you, unless you help yourself, just as someone can't love you, until you love yourself. All of us spend our teen years agonising, but taking stuff for granted, and then we spend our twenties agonising over more important things. We are all in the same boat, but there comes a point in time where we have had enough, and want to change. With all the other change in your life, perhaps this would be the year to try and break down those walls - but remember, only you can do it, we can help a little bit, as could some counselling, but at the end of the day, the strength comes from within! |
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(8.1.04 20:11) I agree with Maisy - you have to be the white knight to knock down the walls, otherwise if someone else does it, you might start looking for the silver knight to replace him. Good luck with it though xx |