Fasten your safety belts...
This is really hard.
I have just spent the last few hours in the company of a small brown cat and a large glass of red wine filing lots of pieces of paper into three huge grey files.
So now, I should feel like my life is in some sort of order right?
Well, wrong.
Today I taught a leson to a group of 14 year old boys who didn't swear, fight or kill me. This should feel like a victory right?
Again, wrong.
Today I feel deflated and I feel scared.
When I embarked on this latest *journey of self discovery*, and *following-my-dreams vision* I said some very noble things. I decided had never had to work hard for anything. I ws tired and disallusioned with a life that didn't throw me any challenges. I wanted to use my brain and I wanted to be challenged.
Well, my darling 20sixers... be very very careful what you wish for!!!
This mountain that I am still at the foot of suddenly seems huge. The challenge seems beyond me, and I once liked to think that nothing was beyond me. Oh, it's very easy to be smug when you get a great grade in an easy degree and then spend six years in a variety of offices where the biggest challenge of the day is where to buy your morning bagel. Very easy indeed.
I'm exhausted today... and its Monday. The thought of the fact that tomorrow morning a group of 11 year olds will walk into my classroom expecting me to provide them with an all singing and dancing lesson on the Roman Empire is more than I can deal with right now. Oh, sure I have the lesson - right here on my PC... I'm just not so sure that I can also provide the dancing.
And I wonder, if I am so tired from this, then how will I ever be able to deal with a day when I have to teach 5 lessons... have I really got the energy and the drive? Being Robin Wiliams 'oh captain my captain' is a damn sight easier on film when they can yell *cut* if you're not being quite inspiring enough...
Am I going to be inspiring enough?
I am relieved to be completely single, because I have no time to fall in love, I have no time to eat... Ironically everything I have ever stressed about in the past has faded and left the building. I am thin, my skin is good, my cheeks are rosy and I don't need someone to love me. They'd never see me anyway. I know this because I have turned away fun dates with nice men.
I don't understand at all why such a great day, where I probably achieved more than I managed in the whole of 2003 should leave me feeling so gloomy.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I have ever wanted to throw a sickie, and actually don't... because there are too many people who I could let down... not least myself.
Is this how being Grown Up (TM) feels then?
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(2.11.04 01:01) Well, Daisy, I am rooting that you will be inspiring enough, because just reading your write up is inspiring to me, the fact that you are doing this, and you are sticking to it, and even in closing you say you won't pull a sickie, because you dont want to let people down. Daisy you are a star, and an inspiring one at that. Sorry that its going tough at the moment, I hope it gets real better for you real soon Daise. -pete |
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(2.11.04 08:31) Life can be hard Daisy, but dont let it get you down. you will always have friends who are willing to help and support you through the rough times. Let them. If you need a total stranger to rant and rave and vent a bit of anger at...pls do |
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(2.11.04 09:23) Hey Daisy, you should be really proud of yourself. I know how hard a PGCE is, its the hardest thing I ever did, but it gets easier and it will be worth it in the end x |
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(2.11.04 10:27) it's all about the balance - you need to have the bad feelings to get the most out of the good feelings. you can do it, and you will do it. promise. |
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(2.11.04 15:01) you listen to me young lady, pull yourself together. it will be tough. my mentor at my training school made my cry about four times. she would contradict me in class, in front of all the children. she was an evil hag. the first time I was asked to mark a set of coursework I cried, again, and needed four cigarettes before I could even think straight. I barely saw my friends (although getting a boyfriend has had a similar effect on that front) and would spend hours in the holidays catching up on marking. BUT... at my first parents' evening one of the mums told me I was the only teacher her daughter liked, I was given a birthday card and present from my sixth form today, kids I taught last year stop me to say hello in the corridor, my form make me laugh every day, my colleagues couldn't BE better, AND, this is what I chose. it's what you chose too, and very soon, I promise, you'll remember why. I know how you feel xxx |
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(2.11.04 16:21) That's definatley what being a GU(TM) feels. It's all OK and everything will be fine. *administers small huglette with extra red vino* |
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(2.11.04 16:26) stick to your guns Daisy your a beautiful person why worry about the others eh........???? kisses |
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(2.11.04 18:09) Echoing everything Miss M said, the girl talks sense. After a stinker of a day today, I can totally empathise with the fear and deflation you feel sometimes but it's absolutely worth the very occasional bad days, I promise. x |
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(3.11.04 00:18) Cheers guys....x |