Daisy

Nothing, really nothing.

Laat night I couldn't sleep. Perhaps it was because I had drunk way WAY
too much, perhaps it was the pint of diet coke that I drank when I got
home, perhaps with was the pizza dripping with cheese that I stuffed
into my mouth before going to bed.



Perhaps.



Not being able to sleep when you are in bed on your own is a bit
horrid, but you can seek comfort in midnight feasts and bad TV (a very
good reason to be single if you ask me). Not being able to sleep when
the person lying next to you in VERY MUCH asleep is a disaster... and
despite my best efforts to wake him (bouncing around, cuddling, pouring
water over him, opening the french window and allowing the noise of
London to bounce of the walls) the boy was not for stirring.



I hate being awake at about 3am (late drunken clubbing nights excepted)
as I always feel so small and scared and like the world is too big, and
that I am going to fail or, perhaps worse - die. You become very aware
of your own mortality when all the world is still. You feel terribly
lonely.



So, at about 5.30, I could bear it no more and wandered outside onto my
balcony to watch London. My house is a 4 story affair on a raised area,
and so I got the benefit of a very sleepy and faded London spread out
in front of me. The Thames Link Train rattled past down below and I
could see the people on it. They were probably going somewhere exciting
that day - it was too early for anything other than adventures. To my
right, I could see all of the houses of West Hampstead with a strange
pinkish light behind them and I remembered a long forgotten quote from
Homer about Dawn showing her rosy fingers. She really was this morning.

Lights were blazing in the hotel to my left (because in hotels nobody
ever makes you go to bed) and I wondered for a tiny moment if I should
go there to find some people to play with... but instead, the huge
carpark had two cars in it and I spent a little time making up stories
about who they belonged to.

A tube rumbled past, and it was empty.



Finally I decided that I needed to go back to my warm bed (and my
now-very-cross boy) as sleep and I finally made friends and he
embraced me once more.

And I thought again how small I was in the big world of London. And I was glad.

2.9.05 11:17