The world according to my mother...
Dry your eyes mate.
Daisy: Mum... Jk and I broke up
Mother: Oh - That's a shame darling - I really liked him...
Daisy: Yes. Me too.
Mother: Oh petal... still, plenty more fish in the sea... like the Streets say in their new song...
Daisy: What?
Mother: My new favourite song. Dry you eyes mate. It's about you!!! Have you heard it?
Daisy: Yes, but... I...
Mother: They don't play it on radio two enough in my opinion
Daisy: They play it on radio two??
Mother: Oh yes. Do you like it?
Daisy: I have the CD actually.
Mother: Oh, well... you certainly don't want to listen to that for a while with your broken heart and everything. Can you post it to me?
Daisy: Ok. But, mum, I'm not being funny or anything, but you don't seem to realise that my heart is breaking.
Mother: Don't be over-dramatic Daisy.
Daisy: I'm not. I'm so *sob* lonely *sob* without him.
Mother: Daisy... I don't want you to feel that you have wasted your time with this boy
Daisy: No.
Mother: And whatever happens you must remember to think of the good times.
Daisy: Yes
Mother: You had a wonderful time with him, met fantastic people and did amazing things
Daisy: Yes
Mother: So really there is only one thing you should be thinking at the moment in order to mend your heart and focus on the positive.
Daisy: Tell me...
Mother: Well sweetheart... Did you fancy any of his friends?
On the phone now...
Mother: Just calling to tell you that I have invited Daisy for Christmas
Daisy: Mother... I AM Daisy
Mother: Not you silly, the other one!!
Daisy: What other one?
Mother: You know...
Daisy: No I don't!! We don't know anyone else called Daisy...
Mother: Yes we do! Anyway at least I'm bringing someone... where's your boyfriend hey? Or your sisters? Or your brothers? What will become of us all? We're doomed!
Daisy: What?? Is this secret-other-Daisy your partner now? What about dad? More to the point... what the hell are you talking about?
Mother: I'm talking about the fact that you don't have a boyfriend and your 27, your sister doesn't and she's 31 and as for your brother he's...
Daisy: 35... I know mother I know...
Mother: I don't know what's wrong with you all...
Daisy: I blame the parents
Mother: Be careful darling... not long now until you turn into me... then who will date you?
Daisy: Oh god...
On emails
My big cousin is staying with my mother at the moment...
Mother 'Al says to give me your email address for him'
Daisy 'DFlower@uk.blahblah.com'
Mother 'I'm sorry - that doesn't make sense... what does it mean?'
Daisy 'Erm... my name at my company dot com'
Mother 'Can you spell it all?'
Daisy 'D F L O W E R at U K dot B L A H B L A H dot com, oh and the at is an @ sign'
Mother 'One of those funny a's with a circle round it?'
Daisy 'Yes mum'
Mother 'But it doesn't mean anything... its not real words'
Daisy 'No mum... I must go now though - anything else?'
Mother 'Oh yes - one thing - How do you spell com?'
On something this morning....
Mother: Darling, I'm trapped.
Daisy: Trapped? What do you mean? Has something heavy fallen on you?
Mother: No sweetie - the electric gates have broken and I can't get out of the house... your fathers still in London and I'm all alone...
Daisy: *laughing silently* Do you have food?
Mother: Yes yes yes not that i'm really doing food at the moment, but I'm supposed to be going for lunch with Irene... I've told her she's going to have rescue me.
Daisy: Is she going to have to scale the fence?
Mother: We both might...
Daisy: In stilettos?
Mother: We'll just have to. I must get out soon... I've been non-containable since I got back from Spain and I can't spend the day just flailing around the house. I'll break something. I've already sewn the vecro on 14 Christmas stockings this morning.
Daisy: Flailing? Christmas stockings? Am I missing something?
Mother: *sulkily* well I have to do something with all my excess energy now that I am a prisoner.
On the phone now...
Mother: Happy birthday Dasiy Belle Flower
Daisy: You're not going to sing are you?
Mother: No - but I might be able to get Cher and the cleaning lady too if you give me a mo...
Daisy: Nonono - that's fine. Thank you for the card anyway - it really made me cry...
Mother: Did you get anything nice? Champagne, diamonds, a boyfriend??
Daisy: Ha ha... Yes I got some lovely stuff from my friends and daddy took me out for a fantastic meal...
pause
Daisy: Well, I'm work so I better go
Mother: What do you do again?
Daisy: I work in Publishing Ma
Mother: Oh yes - well, have a fun day...
Daisy: Mummy.... Did you buy me a present?
Mother: Are you joking?
Daisy: *quietly* no...
Mother: Of course I didn't.
On heaven
When you die you go to heaven. Heaven is a giant pub with long tables all round the bar. You wait at your table with your mates until you have gathered all the people who you love around you (cries of 'hurry up Mollie I'm getting a round in' - for my last grandparent standing at this point I assume).
When you finally have all your mates and family around you - you are allowed to go through to the 'club'. Each generation has their own club which is a giant playground filled with things they love to do. You can visit each other (eg go ballroom dancing at your Nana's club) but you can't stay too long.
The only place to see the people still on earth is in the pub (on the giant TV screen - you can also watch football) and the longer you have been at your club the harder it is to get back to the pub. That's why when people die too soon or have just gone they feel closer to you - because they really are just a swinging bar door away...
That's also why when you really need someone they can come down and help you - they just might be a wee bit tipsy...