The world according to my mother...
On sending your children to bed
From 7.30pm:
Mother: 'From now, if you speak or move I will remember that you are here and I will send you stright to bed'.
Silence apart from Coronation Street
Deeper silence
Deathly silence
Daisy: 'Mum... I....'
Mother: 'Bedtime!! Bed, bed, bed - hurry up'
Daisy: 'But I....'
Mother: 'Now or I'll chop your bunches off with sewing scissors' (snip snip)
Daisy runs to door pursued by snipping scissors...
Mother: 'Run run' snip snip 'I'll get you next time'.
On getting old....
Mother: I’m not going to die you know. Not like your father… Daisy: Really? Mother: No – I’m just going to get really really old and really really small and really really mad Daisy: I don’t doubt you for a second mother Mother: And I’m going to be very naughty and drunk Daisy: Well, you are well on your way to achieveing that darling… I will put you in a home though you know. Mother: I don’t blame you… I won’t care as I’ll be mad anyway. Pause Mother: Of course I don’t know what I’ll do when Sonny and Cher (the cats) die. *pause as she picks Sonny up and kisses her* Actually sweetheart… guess what? I’m lying, I do know what I’m going to do with the cats. Dasiy: What’s that then? Mother: I’m going to wear them. Daisy: Wear them… Like like like mittens? Mother: Well, Cher could be mittens but I was thinking of having Sonny as a hat. You know with her head on my head with her paws tied around my chin. What do you think? Daisy: I think you’re mad Mother: *walking off with Sonny on her head* You ain’t seen nothing yet….
On the phone about 2 seconds ago...
'Darling.... Guess what? It's so exciting!!'
'Mother - I'm at work... What?'
'I've found another Daisy, imagine that!!! She's only two. I said to her father 'I hope you get as much joy out of yours as we did out of ours'. As a rule you know darling, Daisy's are funny little things - this one had yellow sticky out hair just like you. Sweet little thing - as I said to her father 'I think the meaning of the name Daisy is the 'element of suprise''.
'Er... thanks mummy. Is daddy coming to London today?'
'Probably, I haven't seen him in the house for a while, although he may have gone to the Dump - you know how he likes that.'
'OK - It's just he is going to take me out for supper'
'Why darling?'
'It's my birthday tomorrow.'
'Oh yes... god, that seems a long time ago now. Then again - I suppose it was (he he he). I can barely remember life pre-Daisy... its all fuzzy round the edges.'
...on her daughters wedding
Place: Las Vegas
Time: The morning after the night before in a phone booth
Daisy: Mummy it's me?
Mother: Who's that?
Daisy: Your child Daisy - remember?
Mother: Oh course I do. Hello darling (loud crashing sound). Sorry I'm having a terrible problem with the Olive Oil. What do you want?
Daisy: Its a bit silly really, well. I-got-drunk-last-night-in-Vegas-and-kinda-got-married.
Mother: How exciting sweetheart. Was it to Elvis??
Daisy: No... No, mother - he's dead.
Mother: Oh yes silly me. Who was it too then darling?
Daisy: A Cowboy.... from Tucson Arizona..... called Aaron Moore.
Mother: Does he have nice teeth?
Daisy: Erm....
Mother: Oh oh oh, I'd loved to chat but the cat is chasing a squirrel in the garden. (Huge Crashing Sound, Excited Squeals and then the phone goes dead).
My Husband: So hunny, how did she take it.
Daisy: *shakes head*
Yellow
My mother told me that people with yellow hair should only wear yellow clothes and live in yellow houses driving yellow cars because that is how the world should be.
She bought me a yellow jumper to kick start me in the right direction.