Hola!
Temporary Suspension of Service
I am in Spain...
As, you read this I am probably drinking in my uncles little white bar by the sea with my friends...
No, screw that... I'm probably drunk.
D x x
The spy who loved me.
My ex-boyfriend (it turns out) was a bit of a twat actually. I've been so nicey nice about him on this blog so far that you may have assumed that we spent the majority of our relationship rolling round in syrup, even after we broke up. But, yesterday, during my life-is-a-Kate-Winslet-style-chocolate-crispy-cake-high I texted him for the first (and last) time since we broke up. My text took ages to compose and was nice and sweet and 'have fun'ish and was designed mainly to achieve closure in my head. It seemed a sensible thing to do before flying home to my new life and incorporated the unfinished business of coupledom: Good luck with this, say hi to blah etc etc...
His response was 'Thanks! Same to you.'
5 months together, 1 totally out of the blue heart break, 3 mini-breaks, many meals out and tons of great sex and I get that message as my goodbye. Nice to know he cared!
What a goddam loser.
Now for writing this entry I feel better and in a moment I will feel better still as I am currently staying my fathers appartment in London, and not only does it have a roof terrace overlooking Selfridges, but it also has electric curtains to play with with a remote control that make me feel a little like Pussy Galore.
So, any one want to come and be my James Bond? All I require from any applicants is the teeniest bit of respect and empathy. Something the last one seems to have lacked a little.
....Oh, and nice hair.
Multimedia message
Never again will I live in a place with such a wonderfully named bin area...
Beat it.
Iīm going home tomorrow. Well, strictly Iīm going to England. Home is not really on the agenda for a while... mainly because I donīt actually have one.
So itīs time to reflect on the girl who arrived at Malaga airīoīportīoī and the girl who is leaving from it days later. What, if anything has she discovered? Well, after days filled with good food, sunshine, swimming and red wine, she is going return to London with a full and almost mended heart (and a desperately good sun tan), but even better than that she is returning to old and dear friends ready to take her back out there.
If you had told me two weeks ago that I would be enjoying a Jk free world I would have thought that you were mad. If you told me that I would prefer a Jk free world I would never have believed you. But actually I think that I do. I like being me.
And anyway - this is my time, my year to be selfish.
So, this is my time to make things happen for me. There is no reason that we need to have a someone there to make your life work. On Thursday I am being taken dancing with my celebrity comedien friend, on Friday I am drinking cocktails with my very best friend, on Saturday I have a party with my old uni mates (including the guys who were out here in Spain with me) and on Sunday my ex-travelling buddy Brendan is taking me out for tea. I canīt wait.
Sometimes your life can seem bleak and black but right now it feels like my life is a great big chocolate crispy cake, and frankly - I canīt wait to eat it all up.
The bathroom smells like a rose garden that's taken a dump.
But apart from that - what an amazing few days.
I think I even might be moving into break-up phase 2 thanks to being flattered and cuddled and teased and drowned in the pool for three days. When you are sitting in a bar with some guys who are winding you up and you slur 'Oh piss off, I've got a broken heart you know' while lighting a cigarette and giggling, well - it's a short walk from there to realising that it's not really true at all any more. More importantly - you realise that you are having a better time without your (rather conservative) ex.
I can stick my tummy out and fall off my bar-stool to my hearts content now.
Excellent - Bring on the strippers.
Forget about your fears tonight.
9 years ago I fell asleep with a boy, who I thought I was in love with and this morning I woke up with him. Oh the irony.
Don't worry though - it's not like that! No, rather the lovely Jay - rock-star and old friend and CD ex-model and even older friend descended on me yesterday and after many gins I fell into bed holding tightly onto Jay. He is quite literally a big rock. As he stroked my hair and kissed my cheeks I felt my old self flooding back into me.
But then I started to realise something odd, that actually I wasn't holding tightly onto him at all, he was holding on to me, as if I were a teddy bear, or a rag doll, or a life-line.
His life has always sounded a riot of 17 year old groupies and blow jobs in the back of a van, but perhaps in reality he is a 27 year old man who has lived that life for far too long. I think he wants something real now. I think perhaps he envys me.
Eventually I struggled to get free (I can't sleep when people touch me) but his bear hug just got tighter and tighter, so I lay all night listening to him breath and wondering where on earth we were all going to end up.
Time to pick my friend up from the airport.
I'll get by with....
Man - this is a rollercoaster.
The first of my bunch of friends-from-home met me for supper last night. He's a beloved uni friend who I have known for 9 years and is staying with his granma and girlfriend up the coast from me for a couple of days on his way to Seville. We ate Paella, drank red white and lemonade and I started to feel like the world was normal again. God bless the boy. We made plans to have parties in London, and to set me up with all of his city-boy pals before my tan fades. He reminded me that Brendan-the-police-man was actually a freak who used to text me about 17 times a night saying that he loved me and so a fling-ette with him wasn't really the cleverest way to mend my heart, even though he now had a uniform.
I think that was the nice thing. With old friends you can't reinvent yourself, you can't make history up and try to paint it the way that you want to in your head because they know your history, they know you. Last night my friend took off my rose coloured spectacles and gave them a quick wipe and then he gave my broken heart a big hug and then finally left me at the little-white-bar by the sea at 2am with the following shot:
'I can't believe that you have invited Jay here. That's so cool. Does your Uncle know whats going to be unleashed on this place? I hope you've got your drinking head on sweetheart, and some big pants.'
Old friends speak the truth and oh lordy Jay and CD are coming to stay tomorrow for the weekend.... what have I done?